Understanding male sexuality with Cam Fraser

 Cam Fraser is a Certified Professional Sex Coach, Certified Sexologist, Registered Counselor, and Registered Tantric Yoga Teacher. His work integrates scientifically validated, medically accurate information about sexual health, with sacred sexuality teachings from the mystery traditions. As a coach, he helps men go beyond surface-level sex and into full-bodied, self-expressed, pleasure-oriented sexual experiences free of anxiety or shame. We had the chance to ask him a couple of questions about the mani things men struggle with, what women should know about male sexuality, and more. Prostate Massage Toys

Read it and pass it on to the MEN in your life - they deserve to read this too!

 

CAN YOU TELL US MORE ABOUT YOUR JOURNEY? HOW AND WHY DID YOU START WITH COACHING AND WHAT INSPIRED YOU?

My own personal experiences overcoming sexual function issues and insecurity really inspired me to become a sex coach. In my late teens and early twenties, I watched a lot of porn, drank a lot of alcohol, and had lots of bad sex. I was a student athlete at a college in America and was preoccupied with fitting in with the young men around me. This meant engaging in "locker room talk," focusing on quantity over quality with regards to sexual encounters, and just generally being a stereotypically shitty dude. During this time of my life, my mental health wasn't very good, hence the escapism through drinking and sex. Serendipitously, I actually seriously injured my spine. I fractured my lower back and needed to do clinical rehabilitation. It was this physical rehab that changed my life. I was introduced to pilates and yoga, and then massage and meditation, and then breathwork and the broader concepts of spirituality. For the first time in my life, I started slowing down and listening to my body. I really felt how much tension, tightness, contraction, and constriction there was in my body. I remember times - halfway through a pilates class, for example - that I would suddenly start crying or feel a surge of rage. At the time, I didn't understand what was happening. Now, I know that I was accessing and releasing stored trauma in my body by doing somatic practices. So, I sought out a counsellor, who referred me to a psychologist, and I began doing the psychological work. I started processing my trauma, understanding my narratives, and re-writing my scripts around masculinity and sexuality. Fortunately, I did all this in my early twenties and, as I said, my life changed. I was more self-assured and didn't feel the need to prove myself to my male friends by performing my masculinity around them. I was more comfortable in my own skin and felt vulnerable enough to ask my sexual partners about their pleasure as well as tell them about mine. I drank less and started having better sex. I distanced myself from people I had previously considered friends and spoke up when they said something derogatory or discriminatory in the locker room and I sought out new friends who I resonated with and who would support my own personal development. I was always interested in sex and sexuality, so I started talking openly about it and reading more books on these topics. As I did this, people began asking me questions about sex and pleasure. This helped me realize that sex education and coaching is something I could do as a career. I went to a university in Australia to study sexology at a post-graduate level and began working as a counsellor. Eventually, I transitioned to sex coaching because it allowed me to draw on the other modalities that I was really passionate about, such as yoga and massage. Today, I try and talk about the things that I wish I'd heard 10 years ago when I was going through that aforementioned time in my life. I speak to my younger self. This seems to resonate with a lot of men and it keeps me inspired to continue doing this work.

WHAT DO YOU LOVE THE MOST ABOUT WHAT YOU DO?

The thing I love most about my work as a sex coach is normalizing people's experience of their sexuality and seeing the relief, openness, and celebration of their sexual expression. A lot of people reach out to me with concerns that they're not normal or that you shouldn't like the thing that they like. Most of the time, what they like is totally fine, harmless and also quite common. When they hear this, there is this sense of shame and guilt that is released as well as an easing into their body as they begin to accept themselves. It is beautiful to witness.

 

HOW IS COACHING MEN DIFFERENT FROM COACHING WOMEN. HOW DO THEIR NEEDS DIFFER?

I don't coach women so I cannot speak into their needs specifically but what I have observed in my work with men is that many men feel the need to conform to a certain ideal of masculinity. I would assume that many women feel something similar with regards to an ideal of femininity. The men I work with often need to learn how to adequately and appropriately access and express their emotions, something which I believe is not encouraged of men in our society.

 

CAN YOU TELL US MORE ABOUT WHAT KIND OF PROBLEMS MEN USUALLY STRUGGLE WITH WHEN THEY SEEK YOUR HELP?

I receive a lot messages from men about sexual function concerns, such as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, delayed orgasm, and low libido. However, when I scratch at the surface of these physical issues, there are typically psychological roots. Many of the men I work with have certain beliefs about sex that are very limiting, such as "real sex" is a penis in a vagina, men should always be ready to have sex, and if his penis isn't erect it means he isn't turned on. I will address men's physical issues and function concerns as well as working with them on expanding their understanding of sex, sexuality, masculinity, and pleasure.

 

WHAT IS THE MOST COMMON CONCERN?

The most common concern is something that usually contributes to all other concerns and that is a feeling of inadequacy. A sense of not feeling good enough or, more accurately, not being "man enough." It is a self-worth problem and it manifests in a number of ways. One man may be concerned that his penis is too small and he isn't going to satisfy his lover, thus making him feel like less of a man. Another man may be concerned that he isn't lasting long enough during sex, thus making him feel like less of a man. Yet another man may be concerned that his partner doesn't want to have sex as much as he does, thus making him feel like less of a man. It is this worry of not being "man enough" that I find to be at the root of a lot of sexual concerns. 

 

YOUR THOUGHTS ON ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION?

I have a lot of thoughts on erectile dysfunction. To be concise, I believe that the term "erectile dysfunction" is overused and what many men are experiencing is actually "erectile disappointment." This is a term I first heard from sex therapist Chris Donaghue. As a society, we have placed a lot of hefty expectations on penises which are perpetuated by pornography and the sexual performance enhancement industry, including medication like Viagra. So, we expect penises to get erect at the flick of a switch and remain erect for hours on end. But this isn't how penises work. It is natural and normal for erection firmness to fluctuate over the duration of a sexual encounter. Erectile dysfunction is a clinical diagnosis and many of the men that label themselves with erectile dysfunction do not actually meet the criteria for a clinical diagnosis. Instead, they're disappointed with the erection they had or didn't have. This is about managing expectations, working through shame, and expanding your understanding of male bodies as well as what sex can look like. Penises aren't dildos.

 

NO.1 THING WOMEN OR ANYONE WHO LOVES MEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MALE SEXUAL HEALTH

Men aren't always in the mood to have sex. There is a really strong cultural narrative that men's sex drives are high and unwavering. And if his sex drive isn't then something is wrong with him. This is a stereotype that I think is exemplified by Matt LeBlanc's character Joey Tribbiani from Friends. This is such a detrimental narrative that many of us, regardless of gender, tend to buy into. However, men don't always want sex. Men's sex drives fluctuate and that is totally normal and natural. Some men's sex drives are lower than their partner's and this, too, is totally normal and common. There is a great book called "Not Always in the Mood," written by Sarah Hunter-Murray which is a fantastic resource for people who may feel challenged by this idea.

 

WHAT IS YOUR ADVICE FOR MEN WHO STRUGGLE WITH PREMATURE EJACULATION?

Here is some practical advice if you're ejaculating before you want to; (1) Spend longer times in heightened states of arousal when masturbating. Get familiar with what it feel like to be close to cumming. This is called edging or surfing. (2) Breathe into your diaphragm instead of breathing into your chest. Diaphragmatic breathing engages your parasympathetic nervous system, which relaxes you. When you're relaxed, you won't ejaculate as quick. (3) When you're close to cumming, change to a new sex position. There is no shame in taking a moment to cool yourself down as you change positions. Maybe change to a position that is less stimulating for you so it doesn't push you over the edge. (4) Create more safety and comfort with your partner. Many guys finish quickly because they're engaging their sympathetic nervous system, which triggers ejaculation. Feeling safe and comfortable with your partner can lessen the urge to cum. (5) Don't just rely on your dick to satisfy your partner. Incorporate vibrators, cock rings, dildos and other sex toys. If you're using a toy and not stimulating your dick, then you don't need to worry about your dick being overstimulated and cumming. (6) Practice Kegel and reverse Kegel exercises. Kegels help strengthen your pelvic muscles. Reverse Kegels help relax your pelvic muscles. Strong and relaxed. Do these during sex to either internally squeeze or relax and stop yourself cumming. (7) Don't rush to penetration. Literally just take longer before you have penis-in-vagina sex. Do other sexual activities together beforehand, like oral, fingering, massage, heaving petting, making out. Build the arousal and anticipation. (8) Learn about other areas of your body where you experience pleasure. You're not just your dick, you're actually one huge dick. You can experience pleasure all over your body. Incorporate the rest of your body into sex so you stimulate those areas instead of your dick. (9) Thrust slow and shallow. Long, fast, and deep thrusts during penetrative sex can create a lot of stimulation for your dick. Keeping it slow and shallow helps lessen stimulation for you. (10) Be in control for the first few minutes. What I mean by this is you can dictate the speed and positions during the first few minutes to make sure that you're finding your rhythm and settling into your body without being overstimulated. As you feel more comfortable and in control, you can let go of the reigns.

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